take your carriage very slowly by your rival’s home, that she might see your latest hat
Eat your heart Catherine, you toad-eating hag.
Elizabeth, you must surely be aware that I am unable to view the roads from my apartments due to the vastness of my estate…
Oh, please do forgive my mistake, Catherine, I had only assumed you could see from that ostentatiously high pedestal atop of which you have placed yourself
(via bob-belcher)
goin home to be ugly in peace is one of my fav things to do
(via donewthesad)
today i heard 2 kids talking about buying fake IDs after school and so i started eavesdropping cuz u know thats big kid stuff and then one was like “yeah but is all this really worth it like im pretty sure the fake IDs cost more than the fish we r gonna buy”
to buy fish at petco u have to be 18 or older
they were going to get fakes to buy fish
(via thebootydiaries)
chicks b like “yeah I’m a bad bicht I’ll ruin your life xoxo” meanwhile they start shaking when they raise their hand in class
Ah you’re watching sailor moon? I love that anime. The way they just [clenches fist] sail all those fricking moons
(via thebootydiaries)
I like to slip subliminal messages go out with me into all of my text posts
(via thebootydiaries)
You are angry about something. “Clam down,” I text you. You assume I have made a typo, but in fact I am holding a small soldier clam in my hands. He died so young. War is hell
(via thebootydiaries)
um waitress?? i ordered cocaine but all i got was this soft drink?? ?
(via thebootydiaries)
“ARE YOU READY TO ROCK??” the hyped-up rock singer shouts at the wild crowd. suddenly everyone goes silent. one lone soul from near the back shouts back “no, we arent.” everyone else murmurs in agreement. the concert is over.
(via thebootydiaries)
pretty sure my soulmate is a bag of sour gummy worms
I just ate a whole bag of those, no joke
u piece of fucking shit that was the love of my life
(via thebootydiaries)
